i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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