the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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