Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
