I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
