Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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