My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
