Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We got so high we made milksteak
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
