Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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