he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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