I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
