Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
