i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
