Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
