Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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