Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
