Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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