I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
