my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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