I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
