I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Randomize
