wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
