I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
