Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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