Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
