If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
