I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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