2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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