I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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