the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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