I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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