HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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