i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
