That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
