I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
