On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
