I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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