I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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