I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
