Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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