The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
