He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
