$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
