bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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