i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
