It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
