Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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