I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
