can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
