dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
it hurts more in the daytime
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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