if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
