I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
