the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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