Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
