These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
