life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Life is so much better after having sex.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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